Movie Quotes for National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clarks boss - passes by single
  file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry
  Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy
  Hanukkah.

Clark: Where do you think youre going? Nobodys leaving. Nobodys
  walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no.
  Were all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm
  holiday emergency here. Were gonna press on, and were gonna have
  the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
  Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down
  that chimney tonight, hes gonna find the jolliest bunch of
  assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his
  huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
  [He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and
  surrounding Clark] Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little
  full, lotta sap.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethanys 80th Christmas, I think she
  should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace. [Bethany shakes her head in
  confusion] The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the
  flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which
  it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and
  justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big
  red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirlet] You
  about ready to do some kissing?

Clark: Were kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by
  heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to
  embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that
  most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: Were not coming all the way out here just to get one of
  those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at
  the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what
  a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Ellen: I dont know what to say, except its Christmas and were all
  in misery.

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree.
  There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree
  so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?

Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of
  suspending the Christmas bonuses?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didnt*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways
  to save a buck!
SWAT Commander: Thats pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I
  would beat you into a...
Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. Im reinstating all the
  bonuses.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if youre not doing anything constructive, run
  into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: Hes an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse -
  browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldnt... Oh hee
  hee, it wouldnt be the Christmas shopping season if the stores
  were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is
  warm in here, isnt it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What
  am I saying, nipple?

[Eddie looks out his window while sitting in an airplane]
Edward Eddie Johnson: Hey, Third. All those people down there look
  like ants.
Clark Third Johnson: [looks out the window] Dad, those *are* ants.
  We havent taken off yet.
Edward Eddie Johnson: You mean... were gonna go higher?

Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethanys present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellend sticks her finger in it seeing that its Jello, while Eddie
  licks it off her finger]
Eddie: Its lime.

Ellen: Clark, Audreys frozen from the waist down.
Clark: Thats all part of the experience, honey.

Art: [a messenger delivers Clarks envelope with his "bonus", the
  family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your
  reservation at the nuthouse?

Clark: I cant believe youre standing here in my living room, Eddie.
  Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah Im excited about it too.

Ellen: Welcome to our home - whats left of it.

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winters morn... the clean, cool
  chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a
  chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RVs toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesnt know any better.
Clark: He oughta know its illegal. Thats a storm sewer. If it fills
  with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of
  it.

Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a
  hotel?

[after reaching the Griswolds house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?

[talking about Snot, Eddies dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day
  you die.
Clark: I really shouldnt, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.