Movie Quotes for Monty+Python+And+The+Holy+Grail

[last lines]
King Arthur: [Arthur and Bedevere have found out that the Holy Grail
  is in Castle Augh, which is guarded by the frenchmen] We shall
  attack at once.
Sir Bedevere: Yes, my liege. [an army of hundreds of soldiers
  appears]
King Arthur: [to Castle Augh] French persons, today the blood of many
  a brave knight shall be avenged! In the name of God, we shall not
  stop our fight till every one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail
  returns to those who God Himself has chosen! [turns to army]
  Charge! [the army charges forward, but is stopped by the police and
  the historians wife]
Historians Wife: [points to Arthur] Its that one, Im sure! [the
  police arrest Arthur and Bedevere]
Policeman: [turns to cameraman] All right, sonny, thats enough, just
  take off. [turns off camera]

King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say,
  Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of
  Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find
  the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... ”
King Arthur: What?
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere: What is that?
Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur: Oh come on!
Brother Maynard: Well, thats what it says.
King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldnt have bothered to
  carve Aaaauuuggghhhh. Hed just say it.
Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur: Oh shut up!
Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, Camaaaauuuuggghhhh?
Sir Galahad: Wheres that?
Sir Bedevere: France, I think.
Sir Lancelot: Isnt there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur: No thats Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"! [All knights saying,
  "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot: No no no, its "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the
  throat.
Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere: Yes, thats it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer
  me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: Thats easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer
  me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. Im not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I dont know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the
  volcano] Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge]
  auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen
  swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I dont know that. [he is thrown over]
  Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when youre a king,
  you know.

[the cartoon Knights are being chased by the animated Beast of
  Aaaaauuuugggggghhh]
Narrator: And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur
  and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator
  suffered a fatal heart attack!
[cut to the animator shown cringing]
Animator: Ughck! [falls backwards in his chair]
Narrator: [back to the cartoon] The cartoon peril was no more.
[Beast of Aaaaauuuugggggghhh disappears]
Narrator: The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I dont think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, its too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, its my duty as a knight to sample as much peril
  as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, weve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. Its unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet youre gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.

King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
  with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
  night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
French Soldier: Well, Ill ask him, but I dont think he will be very
  keen. Uh, hes already got one, you see.
King Arthur: What?
Sir Galahad: He said theyve already got one!
King Arthur: Are you sure hes got one?
French Soldier: Oh yes, its very nice!

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through
  twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on
  high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it
  thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the
  Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths,
  and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and
  fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the
  Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
  shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
  counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count
  thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right
  out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached,
  then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe,
  who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.

[the King gestures to the window]
King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see
  stretched out over the valleys and the hills! Thatll be your
  kingdom, lad.

The Witch: Im not a witch Im not a witch!
Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one
The Witch: *They* dressed me up like this!
Crowd: We didnt! We didnt...
The Witch: And this isnt my nose. Its a false one.
Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well?
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere: The nose?
Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd: Yeah! Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1: No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 3: No!
Peasant 1: No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 1: Yes!
Peasant 2: Yes!
Peasant 1: Yeah a bit.
Peasant 3: A bit!
Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!
Peasant 2: a bit
Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!
Random Person in the crowd: *cough* *cough*

Sir Galahad: Zoot!
Dingo: No, I am Zoots identical twin sister, Dingo. [He tried to get
  past her] Where are you going?
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Dingo: No, oh no! Bad, bad Zoot!
Sir Galahad: What is it?
Dingo: She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, Ive just
  remembered, is Grail shaped. Its not the first time weve had this
  problem.
Sir Galahad: Its not the real Grail?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naught evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person,
  and she must pay the penalty! [Turns to camera] Do you think this
  scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were
  writing it, but now were glad! Its better than some of the
  previous scenes I think.
Left Head: Our was better visually.
Dennis: Ours was committed, it wasnt just a string of pussy jokes.
Bridgekeeper: Get on with it.
Tim: Yes! Get on with it!
Army: Get on with it!
Dingo: Oh, thank you, thank you!
God: Get on with it!

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
  [the Black Knight doesnt respond] I am Arthur, King of the
  Britons. [no response] I seek the bravest and the finest knights in
  the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. [no response] You
  have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [no response] You
  make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy! [attempts to get around the
  Black Knight]
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must
  cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it! [they fight until Arthur cuts off Black
  Knights left arm] Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arms off!
Black Knight: No, it isnt!
King Arthur: Well, whats that then?
King Arthur: Ive had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! [they fight again. Arthur cuts off
  the Knights right arm]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels to pray] We thank thee, Lord,
  that in thy mercy - [cut off by the Knight kicking him]
Black Knight: Come on, then.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you!
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. Youve got no arms left!

Woman: Oh. How do you do?
King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the
  Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
King Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your
  king.
Woman: I didnt know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
  collective.
Dennis: Yourw foolin yourself! Were living in a dictatorship. A
  self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis: Well, thats what its all about! If only people would...
King Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in
  that castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
King Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We dont have a lord.
Dennis: I told you, were an anarco-sydicalist commune. We take it in
  turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur: Yes...
Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
  at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur: Yes I see...
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal
  affairs...
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: ...but by a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?

God: Every time I try to talk to someone its "sorry this" and
  "forgive me that" and "Im not worthy"...

King of Swamp Castle: Guards, make sure the prince doesnt leave this
  room until I come and get him.
Guard #1: Not to leave the room... even if you come and get him.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Until* I come and get him.
Guard #1: Until you come and get him, were not to enter the room.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. You *stay* in the room, and make
  sure *he* doesnt leave.
Guard #1: And youll come and get him.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: Right.
Guard #1: We dont need to do anything, apart from just stop him
  entering the room.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no. *Leaving* the room.
Guard #1: Leaving the room, yes.
King of Swamp Castle: All right?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Right. Oh, if, if, if, uh, if, if, uh, if, if, if, we...
  oh, if... oh...
King of Swamp Castle: Look, its quite simple. You just stay here,
  and make sure he doesnt leave the room. All right?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Oh, I remember, uh, can he leave the room with us?
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no, no, you just keep him in here, and
  make sure...
Guard #1: Oh yeah, well keep him in here, obviously, but if he had
  to leave, and we were with him...
King of Swamp Castle: No, just keep him in here...
Guard #1: Until you, or anyone else...
King of Swamp Castle: No, not anyone else. Just me.
Guard #1: Just you.
Guard #2: [hiccups]
King of Swamp Castle: Get back.
Guard #1: Get back.
King of Swamp Castle: All right?
Guard #1: Right, well stay here until you get back.
King of Swamp Castle: And make sure he doesnt leave.
Guard #1: What?
King of Swamp Castle: Make sure he doesnt leave.
Guard #1: The prince?
King of Swamp Castle: Yes, make sure he doesnt leave.
Guard #1: Oh, yes, of course.
[Points at Guard #2]
Guard #1: I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me
  I were to guard him when hes a guard.
King of Swamp Castle: Is that clear?
Guard #2: [hiccups]
Guard #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
King of Swamp Castle: Right.
[King of Swamp Castle turns to leave the room, both guards follow
  him]
King of Swamp Castle: Where are you going?
Guard #1: Were coming with you.
King of Swamp Castle: No, no, no. I want you to stay here and make
  sure *he* doesnt leave.
Guard #1: Oh, I see. Right.

Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
  He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all
  afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir
  Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
  or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his
  kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked
  and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut
  out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his
  nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin: Thats, uh, thats enough music for now, lads... looks
  like theres dirty work afoot.

King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy
  occasion. Lets not bicker and argue over who killed who.

Minstrel: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And
  sneaking away and buggering off And chickening out and pissing off
  home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, thats no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: Thats the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever
  set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide! Its a
  killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: Hell do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: Im warning you!
Sir Robin: Whats he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: Hes got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the
  bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin right
  up!

King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: Im 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: Im 37. Im not old.
King Arthur: Well I cant just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didnt know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didnt bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind
  you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
  inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And howd you get that, eh? By
  exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma
  which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our
  society.

King Arthur: [after Arthurs cut off both of the Black Knights arms]
  Look, you stupid Bastard. Youve got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: Its just a flesh wound.

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land
  we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I dont like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Dont like her? Whats wrong with her? Shes
  beautiful, shes rich, shes got huge... tracts of land.

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didnt vote for you.
King Arthur: You dont vote for kings.
Woman: Well howd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest
  shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water,
  signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry
  Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin in ponds
  distributin swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme
  executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
  some farcical aquatic ceremony.

King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the brides father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didnt mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didnt mean to? You put your sword right
  through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because theyre made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... shes made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help!
  Im being repressed!
King Arthur: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that,
  eh? Thats what Im on about! Did you see him repressing me? You
  saw him, Didnt you?