King+Of+Comedy,+The

[last lines]
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man weve all been
  waiting for... and waiting for. [chuckles] Would you welcome home
  please televisions brightest new star. The legendary,
  inspirational, the one and only king of comedy. Ladies and
  gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin!
[audience applauds and cheers]
Announcer: Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen! Lets hear it for
  Rupert Pupkin!
[audience continues cheering]
Announcer: Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!
[audience continues cheering]
Announcer: Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen! Lets hear it for
  Rupert Pupkin! Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!

Rupert Pupkin: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce
  myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton, New
  Jersey... which was not at that time a federal offense. Is there
  anyone here from Clifton? Oh, good. We can all relax now. Id like
  to begin by saying... my parents were too poor to afford me a
  childhood. But the fact is that... no one is allowed to be too poor
  in Clifton. Once you fall below a certain level... they exile you
  to Passaic. My parents did put the first two down payments on my
  childhood. Dont get me wrong, but they did also return me to the
  hospital as defective. But, like everyone else I grew up in large
  part thanks to my mother. If she were only here today... Id say,
  "Hey, ma, what are you doing here? Youve been dead for nine
  years!" But seriously, you shouldve seen my mother. She was
  wonderful. Blonde, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic. We used to
  drink milk together after school. Mine was homogenized. Hers was
  loaded. Once they picked her up for speeding. They clocked her
  doing 55. All right, but in our garage? And when they tested her...
  they found out that her alcohol had 2% blood. Ah, but we used to
  joke together, mom and me... until the tears would stroll down her
  face... and she would throw up! Yeah, and who would clean it up?
  Not dad. He was too busy down at OGradys... throwing up on his
  own. Yeah. In fact, until I was 13 I thought throwing up was a sign
  of maturity. While the other kids were off in the woods sneaking
  cigarettes... I was hiding behind the house with my fingers down my
  throat. The only problem was I never got anywhere... until one day
  my father caught me. Just as he was giving me a final kick in the
  stomach for luck... I managed to heave all over his new shoes!
  "Thats it", I thought. "Ive made it. Im finally a man!" But as
  it turned out, I was wrong. That was the only attention my father
  ever gave me. Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the park playing
  ball with my sister Rose. But today, I must say thanks to those
  many hours of practice my sister Rose has grown into a fine man.
  Me, I wasnt especially interested in athletics. The only exercise
  I ever got was when the other kids picked on me. Yeah, they used to
  beat me up once a week... usually Tuesday. And after a while the
  school worked it into the curriculum. And if you knocked me out,
  you got extra credit. There was this one kid, poor kid... he was
  afraid of me. I used to tell him...”Hit me, hit me. Whats the
  matter with you? Dont you want to graduate?" Hey, I was the
  youngest kid in the history of the school to graduate in traction.
  But, you know, my only real interest right from the beginning, was
  show business. Even as a young man, I began at the very top
  collecting autographs. Now, a lot of you are probably wondering...
  why Jerry isnt with us tonight. Well, Ill tell you. The fact is
  hes tied up. Im the one who tied him. Well, I know you think Im
  joking... but, believe me, thats the only way... I could break
  into show business... by hijacking Jerry Langford. Right now, Jerry
  is strapped to a chair... somewhere in the middle of the city. Go
  ahead, laugh. Thank you. I appreciate it. But the fact is, Im
  here. Now, tomorrow youll know I wasnt kidding... and youll
  think I was crazy. But, look, I figure it this way. Better to be
  king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime. Thank you. Thank you.

Rupert Pupkin: Why not me? Why not? A guy can get anything he wants
  as long as he pays the price. Whats wrong with that? Stranger
  things have happened.

[first lines]
Ed Herlihy: And now, from New York, The Jerry Langford Show! With
  Jerrys guests Tony Randall, Richard Dreyfuss, Rodney Dangerfield,
  Dr. Joyce Brothers, Lou Brown and the orchestra, and little old me
  Ed Herlihy. And now say hello to Jerry!

Langfords Lawyer: What is the defense of kidnapping? How can you
  say, "I was crazy at the time"?

Rupert Pupkin: [arguing with Masha] What about things that I did for
  you that no money can buy, no money can buy? What about the time I
  gave you my spot! You came over there, I gave you my spot! You
  stood there and I let you get right next to Jerry. I waited for 8
  hours for him and you went right next to him cause you were crying
  to me cause you wanted to get next to Jerry and you got next to
  him. And what about the time I gave you my last album of the Best
  of Jerry, what about that? It wasnt anybody else it was me and I
  didnt even ask you for money and I cant even pay my rent! What
  are talking about? I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse!
  I cant believe this girl!

Rupert Pupkin: I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of
  us, if not more so.

Rupert Pupkin: Im gonna work 50 times harder, and Im gonna be 50
  times more famous than you.
Jerry Langford: Then youre gonna have idiots like you plaguing your
  life!

Ruperts Mom: Rupert? What are you doing down there?
Rupert Pupkin: MOM!

Masha: Do you wanna be waiting here till next Shavuos?

Rupert Pupkin: Well Im sorry. I made a mistake.
Jerry Langford: So did Hitler.

Secretary: Is Mr. Langford expecting you?
Rupert Pupkin: Yes, I dont think he is.

Bobby Hill: Marie come back. Look Im doing your favorite comedy bit.
  [Pulls shorts up to his shirt] What are you talking about? [crying]
  What are you talking about? What are you talking about? [Bobby
  sobs]

Alan King: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Friars have an age-old
  motto: We only roast the ones we love. Tonight we give lie to that
  bullshit. Hugh Hefner likes to be called "Hef", but in Hebrew
  spelled backwards, its "Feh!" This pipe-puffing, pajama-wearing,
  perennial, perpetual, perverted, pornographic purveyor, puss-loving
  playboy...
Hugh M. Hefner: Thats a lot of ps...
Alan King: A man who made jerking-off a national pass time. A man who
  thinks the Early-bird Special is eating pussy before six oclock.
  As Abbot I hope I have set the tone for the evening to follow. And
  now I would like to introduce our roastmaster. So heres the man
  who does those wonderful segments on FOX NFL pre-game show, the
  star of Comedy Centrals "The Man Show", welcome Jimmy Kimmel...

Jimmy Kimmel: Alan King, everybody, Alan King! The great Alan King.
  All right, were here tonight to honor a great man, perhaps one of
  the greatest men that ever lived. Nearly fifty years ago, Hugh
  Hefner began building an empire with nothing more than a
  sex-addiction and a dream.
Jimmy Kimmel: Hes been called a visionary, a genius, a pioneer of
  free-speech, but when I think of Hugh Hefner, what comes to mind is
  rubbing my dong until it squirts. He is an inspiration to
  masturbation. Hes the George Washington of jacking-off. I could go
  on and on, but what can you say about Hef that hasnt been mumbled
  incoherently by a thousand young women with his cock in their
  mouths?
Jimmy Kimmel: And still, despite his age, one woman alone cannot
  satiate Hefs sexual appetite. Look at this table. The man has
  seven girlfriends and no erections. That Viagra isnt just keeping
  you hard, its keeping you alive.
Jimmy Kimmel: Ive read just about every issue of Playboy since I was
  fifteen years old and not once did I see a Playmate say her
  turn-ons was fucking a 75 year-old man. Unbelievable.
Jimmy Kimmel: This is going to be a fun night, and before we get
  started, let me say this: New York is the greatest city in the
  world. Yeah, thats right. Im glad to be here, and I think
  everybody here will agree that right about now we could use a
  little laughter. Unfortunately though, our first roaster is Rob
  Schneider.
Jimmy Kimmel: You know Rob from "Saturday Night Live" and from "The
  Animal". I love both your movies, Rob. Then again I also love
  watching homeless people play with themselves on the subway. This
  man is a huge talent in a tiny body. Rob is so short, he doesnt
  even need to bend over to kiss Adam Sandlers ass. But Ill let you
  be the judge of his height. Ladies and gentlemen - Douche Bagelow
  himself - Rob Schneider!

Sarah Silverman: Jimmy Kimmel, everyone. Hes fat and has no
  charisma. Watch your back, Danny Aiello.
Sarah Silverman: Its so good to be here. Drew Carey is here and I
  love him. He was so nice to me backstage, until he found out I
  wasnt a hooker.
Sarah Silverman: You know I cant believe Alan King is such a legend,
  and hes here, and a nursing home in Florida just called. The last
  person who thinks youre funny just died. Is he laughing?
Sarah Silverman: Dick Gregory. Oh my gosh, he deserves a round of
  applause just for being so old for his race. You know, is he the
  guy from the rice or the cookies? I never remember, but I know hes
  famous.
Sarah Silverman: But this is about Hugh Hefner - a living legend,
  and, uh, look at your girlfriends - so beautiful. When are you
  going get serious? You know one day you might want one of them
  changing diapers. I mean if it gets too hard to do it yourself.
  Look at the smile on his face. He doesnt know where he is.
Hugh M. Hefner: But hes happy...
Sarah Silverman: Lets all talk about the whore- - the bunnies. No,
  bunnies arent whores. Theyre paid monthly.
Sarah Silverman: I think they should be role models in todays
  society, and Im serious, especially for girls. If only for the
  fact that they wax their assholes. They deserve the Purple Heart
  for that. The Purple Asshole. I dont have the guts to do it. The
  closest Ive ever come to waxing my asshole is once I got it washed
  and styled, but that doesnt hurt. Minus the curlers. Thank you!
  Happy birthday, Hef!

Jeffrey Ross: Look at this: Abe Vigoda, Freddy Roman, Alan King...
  Ive seen younger faces on cash.

Jackie: You know, eh, this isnt a very humorous revenge for the King
  of Comedy.
Monkey King: Sweet simpering simian!... You have a point.
[Leaves then returns and puts leis on Uncle and Jackie]
Monkey King: Were going to laugh it up at a luau.