Movie Quotes for Evil+Dead,+The

Abdul Alzeez: Oh, Im getting to old for this.
Ash: Yeah, yeah, look were here. Finally, now tell me whats going
  on. Why is all this happening?
Abdul Alzeez: I fear your dark self is atempting to finish what the
  guild began. To bring the dark ones back to this world to reign
  over man. Your Jenny will be sacrificed as part of the ritual, to
  open the gateway to their realm.
Ash: Sacrificed? What, wheres this gateway youre talking about?
Abdul Alzeez: Here in the lair. This place is built around the worlds
  of a temple once inhabited by the dark ones. When they ruled the
  earth long ago, here they uncovered the portal to the Cathedral of
  the Dead, the gateway between our worlds. But to enter we need the
  Dark Sign. It serves as a key.
Ash: Uh huh, point the way.
Abdul Alzeez: There, in the catacombs. But first you will a familiar
  to retrieve the sign.
Ash: Oh come on, why cant I just go and get it?
Abdul Alzeez: Fool! The catacombs are filled with such things that
  your mind would be seared, at a mear glance!
Ash: Uh huh. Ok, will I guess Im going to have to go with you on
  this one.
Abdul Alzeez: Go into the lab and retrieve one of the familiars,
  while I begin work on the remaining translations. Move carefully,
  guards may still remain.
Ash: Oh, those half invisible guys, yeah, yeah, right about the back
  at the temple. See? Im not as dumb as I look!
Abdul Alzeez: But I didnt...
Ash: Shut it, ok? Just shut it.

Ash: Ah, so youre that crazy writer guy huh?
Abdul Alzeez: Warrior from the sky! I knew youd come to save us.
Ash: Hold up a minute, Im not here to free you, Im just looking for
  a couple of friends.
Abdul Alzeez: But you must help me. A great evil is taking over the
  city and shall consume the entire earth if not stopped.
Ash: Hey hey, one thing at a time. First whats your deal, shmeal?
Abdul Alzeez: I am Abdul Alzeez, or at least once was, we had
  uncovered the ancient texts of the dark ones, deep within the
  earth. And I had been translating the passages, as I neared
  completion of the Necronomicon, I...
Ash: Woah woah woah, hold the phone, stop right there! YOU were the
  clown who wrote the Necronomicon? Buddy, I outta kill you right
  here!
Abdul Alzeez: I didnt write it, I only translated its passages.
  Its true orgins are not of this earth.
Ash: Listen spinach chin, that damn book has been a pain in my ass
  for the last eight years!
Abdul Alzeez: I understand. And I warned the guild of its power, but
  they banished me. And I had been translated the passages needed to
  dispell the evil when the other "the one who looks like you"
  arrived with the girl, he had with him a completed copy of the
  book.
Ash: So this "guild" didnt need you anymore huh? He just threw you
  in here to what, shut you up?
Abdul Alzeez: Precisly. And now youre dark half is helping them.
  They have no idea what theyre about to do, and the girl is in
  great danger. You must free me so I can complete my work. It is the
  prophecy.
Ash: Why should I help you? You cost me my friends, my sanity, my
  hand. I walk with a limp thanks to you gramps!
Abdul Alzeez: If not for mankind, then for the girl.
Ash: All right. Ill get you outta here, but no funny stuff, you got
  that gramps? Now what do we gotta do to bust you out?
Abdul Alzeez: The marketplace. Find the merchants, mention the white
  scimitar, they will know of what you speak. Now go!

Sam: The portal should be on the far side of this forrest...
Ash: Tone down, runt. These threes have ears... evil ears!

Sam: Hey deadites! *Mind* your own business! Ha ha! Get it? Mind? You
  know, the deadites... possessions... losing it...
Ash: [sarcastically] Good one, runt.
Sam: Thanks. Wait a sec... I mean screw you!

Ash: Have you ever heard the phrase, "Ask a stupid question, eat a
  chainsaw"?

[Reinhard is about to sacrifice Sally when he gets shot from behind
  by Ash]
Ash: Knock, knock.
Sally: ASH!
Dr. Reinhard: ASH!... impossible.
[Ash and Sam recoil from Dr. Reinhards ugliness]
Ash: We should consider ourselves lucky runt, he could of set up shop
  in the house of mirrors.
Dr. Reinhard: I underestimated you Ash, and you too Sam. how are you
  my little failed experiment? Still DEAD Im guessing?
Sam: Real funny you sadistic nutjob, why dont you... go hump a
  stump!
[everyone pauses for a minute and Reinhard looks confused]
Ash: Er, why dont you let me handle the witty banter from now on?

Sam: [to Reinhard] Why dont you just... go hump a stump
[a very long pause during which Reinhard looks confused. then... ]
Ash: Er, maybe you should leave the witty banter to me

Ash: Lets make a deal. You shut up now, and the next time I possess
  you, I wont pour hot coffee down your pants.

Ash: [to Sally] You know, I bet you could some kind of a knockout if
  you traded in the granny wear for some high thigh stockings and a
  bra that pushed up your yams.

Sam: Oh sure. Pick on the one dead guy NOT trying to waste you!
Ash: Come on Sam, whats a little decapitation between friends?

Ash: You know, you starting to make me think that the world ending
  can be any more painful than listening to you!

Ash: Cranky Pants Games.
Sam: Whos the frickin genius who came up with that name?

Ash: Hey Napoleon, open that gate for me and make it snappy.
Sam: I dont know who you think you are, but I demand respect!
Ash: Oh, you want respect? Then stop complaining to my crotch!
Sam: OOOOH! You just made a big mistake buddy, youve messed with the
  wrong midget! Ill shove my boot so far up your ass, you need a
  shoe horn to swallow!
Ash: Well, even your tempers short!
Sam: The portals is this way. Well need to find a way around.
Ash: No, no. YOU need to find away around.
Sam: Dont push me, two-stroke!

Ash: Ever heard of a time out? Because the next "time" you talk, Im
  gonna knock you the hell "out!"

Ash: [staring at the Rail Boss] Nice mug! Any relation?
Sam: Why do you gotta keep busting my balls?
Rail Boss: FRESH SOULS!
Ash: [cocking his boomstick] Okay, enough! Time to give Junior his
  bottle!

Ash: [holding a deadite head] Whats that? You cant believe you just
  got your ass kicked by a one-handed nut job? Whats that? Oh, you
  think Im your daddy! Listen up, shake and bake, I eat evil for
  breakfast and danger for dinner, so spread the word. Ash... is
  back... in business.

Ash: Um, sorry to interupt your beauty sleep lady...
Necromancer Queen: [turning around and hissing] Heeeeeeh.
Ash: Whoa, lets not kid ourselves, itd take a few million more
  winks to make a dent in that grill.
Necromancer Queen: Souls.
Ash: Alright if thats the way you want it...
[draws boomstick]
Ash: ...come get some

Ash: [to the Deadite Rail Boss] Nice mug!
[to Sam]
Ash: Any relations?
Sam: Why do you gotta keep busting on my balls?
Rail Boss: [roaring at Ash & Sam] FRESH... SOULS!
Ash: [pointing his boomstick towards the giant Deadite] Okay, enough!
  Time to give Junior his bottle!

Sam: Hey, who left the stove on? Know what this furnace reminds me
  of?
Ash: I have no idea.
Sam: Johnny Sticks. Him and me, we used to be connected.
Ash: Connected to what? The union of verbally challenged half
  deadites?
Sam: You know, "connected"! Me and Sticks, the guy was thin as a
  toothpick, we were top earners.
Ash: I thought you were an ice cream driver.
Sam: I was a lot of things, you know for cover. Me and Sticks used to
  pose as chimney sweeps, sneaking out of furnace vents with the
  loot. Sticks must have put on a couple of pounds cause he got
  himself stuck. Furnace comes on and *boom*! Then, err...
Ash: And then you played "pick up sticks" right?
Sam: I dont deserve sarcasm.

Ash: Sorry pal, but it sounds like your co-workers are playing
  footsie with the forces of hell right now.

Ash: Ah, lovely! The gates are locked!

Trisha Pettywood: Hurry up Ash! I think Eldridge needs to use the
  bathroom!

Ash: I think its so cool when the parts go flying everywhere!

Blacksmith: You got the Williams chin, but have you got the Williams
  balls?

Ash: Step right up! Two cans of Whoopass for the price of one!