Movie Quotes for Death+At+A+Funeral

Martha: What did you just say?
Troy: I said the Valium you gave to Simon wasnt actually Valium.
  Its an hallucinogenic concoction. You know, stuff like acid,
  mescaline, a little ketamine.
Martha: This isnt funny Troy.
Troy: Im not being funny. Look at him. Hes off his tits!
Martha: You absolute little twat! What the hell are you doing leaving
  this stuff around your flat?
Troy: I didnt know someone was going to take it, did I? I mean who
  just goes into someone elses flat and takes random pills?
Martha: They were in a Valium bottle!

Daniel: My father was an exceptional man! [pause] He may not have
  been a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he loved us. All I
  wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Is that
  really so much to ask? So, maybe, maybe he had some things he liked
  to do. Life isnt simple, its complicated. Were all just thrown
  in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world
  full of questions and no answers, death always lingering around the
  corner, and we do our best. We cant only do our best, and my dad
  did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for
  what you want in life because you never know how long youre going
  to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important
  thing is to have tried. And apparently no one will guide you in the
  right direction, in the end you have to learn for yourself. You
  have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would
  like you to remember my father for who he really was: a decent,
  loving man. If only we could be as giving and generous and as
  understanding as my father was. Then the world would be a far
  better place.

Jane: Would you like a cup of tea, Sandra?
Sandra: Tea can do many things, Jane, but it cant bring back the
  dead.

Justin: You cant fight what we had together.
Martha: Justin, it was one night. It was a massive mistake. I was
  drunk out of my mind. You could have been a donkey!

Simon: [unravelling a roll of toiliet paper] Go, go! Join the others!

Simon: [hallucinating] Was there a dog in here just now?

Martha: Simon.
Simon: [from behind the locked bathroom door] Simon.
Martha: Simon!
Simon: Simon.
Martha: Si!
Simon: ...Mon.

Troy: If he jumps, Im fucked.

[first lines]
Daniel: [giving instructions to the pallbearers] Just, uh, straight
  through there and to the left, please.

[repeated line]
Daniel: My father was an exceptional man...

Simon: [the coffin starts moving] I knew it!

Daniel: [glances into the coffin just presented to him] Who is this?
Undertaker: Pardon me?
Daniel: This is not my father.

Uncle Alfie: Im about to shit in my trousers.

[last lines]
Uncle Alfie: [on the roof, naked and high] Everythings so fucking
  green.

Simon: Why are my hands so big?

Robert: What are you doing in my dads coffin?!

Laurie Mills: They said its only right and proper that I should give
  Luke a good Christian funeral. Fill him with formaldehyde and
  plaster down his hair so good Christian folk can come look at him
  on display like at a wax museum.

[Tommy Kotter is at a funeral]
Tommy: Its a shame this happened. Okay, now lets go pray and get
  shitfaced.

Chorus: A man who is desperate for long life and will willingly
  prolong his grief for more than a mans span of years is a fool to
  his last breath. For what does old age bring but biting pains and
  bitter tears and pleasures few and decreased? Later or sooner, the
  same death, not with marriage songs but funeral weeping, delivers
  us all to the earth. Not to be born is best. Or being born to waste
  no time in lingering, but return to the dark: our beginning and
  end. Youth soon passes like a carnival of frivolity. Horror and
  pain follow behind realities bleak and inescapable. Greed, envy,
  rapine, civil war and carnage: old age only increases the torment.
  Short of friends and breath, you struggle on towards the last
  crisis.

Elinor Glyn: [at the beginning at the funeral] In November of 1924
  during a weekend yacht party bound for San Diego a mysterious death
  occurred within the Hollywood community. However there was no
  coverage in the press, no police action, and of the 14 passengers
  on board only one was ever questioned by authorities. Little
  evidence exists now or existed at the time to support any version
  of those events. History has been written in whispers, and this is
  the whisper told most often. The yacht you see belonged to William
  Randolph Hearst. Only in a place like this do reporters and
  autograph hounds have absolutely no scruples about stampeding
  mourners at a funeral. Welcome to Hollywood, a place just off the
  coast of planet Earth. After we all leave the man in the box will
  disappear, just his ashes will remain, after all its fire that can
  hurt you, not ashes.

Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking.
  #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average
  American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Peter Swan: Do you mind, gentlemen? I happen to be at a funeral.
Harry Callahan: Like to talk to you about your list.
Peter Swan: Its no big secret. Most of the cast and crew knew about
  it. I didnt tell you because the dead pool is just a harmless
  game.
Harry Callahan: Sounds pretty sick to me.
Peter Swan: Let me tell you something, Callahan. People... people are
  fascinated with death and violence. Thats why my films make money.
  Theyre an escape, a vicarious release of fear. Same thing with
  this game. Nobody takes my films *or* the dead pool seriously.
Harry Callahan: Well, someone gave Squares the drugs that killed him
  - maybe it was you.
Peter Swan: You cant tie me into Johnnys death just because of a
  coincidence. My assistant and my effects supervisor were playing
  the game too, why dont you talk to them?
Harry Callahan: Oh, we will - but nobody on their list is dead yet.
Peter Swan: Hey, look, Callahan, Johnny was a major drugs user, and I
  predicted hed die this year, but thats all I did. Dont you get
  it? The whole idea is to pick celebrities who arent going to make
  it, because theyre old, or because theyre sick or because theyre
  in a high-risk profession.
Harry Callahan: Like police work?
Peter Swan: Nothing personal, love.
Harry Callahan: I dont like your list, Swan. I dont like being on
  it.
Peter Swan: Ah, thats, thats what this is really all about, isnt
  it? Well, if you got a charge to make...
Harry Callahan: Maybe Ill start my own dead pool, and put you on it.
Peter Swan: You threatening me?
Harry Callahan: You want to play the game, youd better know the
  rules, love.

William Banks: [at a memorial, silently speaking to God] How many
  times have I seen this? More to the point, how many times have you?
  I cant imagine whats it’s like to have the power to move
  mountains...and yet, you have to stand by and watch this. I get
  that everything happens for a reason. And I get the mysterious ways
  in which you move. But I wonder if moments like this cause even you
  to doubt. To question... us. I used to wish I had your vision, the
  ability to see the big picture. But then to see things like this...
  I wouldnt want it. This deal we made, I made, sometimes I think I
  understand it. And whats next? Another lost innocent. Another
  death. Another funeral? Yeah, sometimes I understand it. And
  sometimes...

Elinor Glyn: To this day no two accounts of that weekend cruise are
  the same. In fact, who was on the boat. There are no logs you see,
  no records or photographs, of any kind. And not a single person who
  was there wrote or spoke about that weekend, that is until after
  the old mans death. And even then, only in riddles. Soon after
  Toms death Margaret Livingstons salary inexplicably jumped from
  300 to 00 dollars a week. Eventually she retired to manage her
  husband, Paul Whiteman, the band leader who popularized the
  Charleston. Lollie got her lifetime contract, and for the next 30
  years became the most powerful and feared gossip columnists in
  America. Three days after Toms funeral Charlie married Lita Gray
  in Mexico, it lasted two years. He did however re-cast her role in
  the Gold Rush and re-shot all of her scenes. Despite costing him
  a small fortune the picture was a smashing success. It took 3 more
  years for W.R. let Marion do a full-fledged comedy, as Charlie
  predicted, she triumphed. She retired in 1937, but stayed by
  Hearsts side until his death at the age of 88.

Judge Stokes: [cheerfully] So, Doctor. How did my son die?
  Anaphylactic shock?
Dr. Al Robbins: No, no, he didnt live long enough for that. C.O.D.
  was asphyxiation. When the blood oxygen drops to less than 16% and
  the CO2 builds up, theres a rapid loss of consciousness. Death
  within minutes with no disfiguring physical findings.
Judge Stokes: Hell look great at the funeral.
Dr. Al Robbins: Oh, yes.
Judge Stokes: His mother will appreciate that.